And then,

Stressing over crap as usual. Ni tahap I feel like like I’m stressed but dunno over what.

And then :

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My first real smile of the week.

Squares

Square 1 : Girl makes plans. The path is drawn, just about straight and just about forward. Girl walks down path, as planned. Suddenly a boulder falls down, tumbling down the mild slope, rolling rolling to a slow stop…… right on top of the path. Girl stops.

Square 2 : Girl sits down for a while to think. Crowd comes by to talk and to ask, “why are you stopping, Girl?” She answers, ” I need to think for a while… about how to get over this hump.” Crowd says, “Aw, you’re just making excuses aren’t you? Why can’t you just do something?” Girl asks,” Do what?” Crowd shrugs.

Square 3 : Girl cries by herself.

Square 4 : Girl slaps herself. “I refuse to be silly.”

Square 5 : Girl stands up and takes a deep breath. “Here goes nothing,” she whispers.

Square 6 : Back to Square 1.

“Someday I’ll be living in a big old city/and all you ever gonna be is mean”

One and a half months to go. Someone asked me whether I’ve counted in terms of days and I said no. Truth is that never even occured to me. I can barely remember what day or what month it is, let alone how many days to the big day. Or maybe that’s my problem.

I am overwhelmed. I wonder really, how do other people do it. And some people have aunts and cousins….. Here it’s just really mainly me n my mum thinking about it. And both of us are so busy with work already.

We had argument #453453gajillion about how I allegedly fed her the wrong information to the caterer (who we canceled the decor job, left with just the catering) about how we don’t need the skirting for the table. How am I supposed to knw that the skirting is done usually by the caterer and not the decorator?? She’s feeling guilty about going back to him to correct the understanding, and she was even willing to pay to get something which should’ve been complimentary!

The caterer is still doing the nikah pelamin, but still hasn’t gotten back to us on the design. They use email to send pics but never to reply my queries. And they have this whole…. Passive aggressive vibe about dealing with the cancellation. I really don’t get it, since they haven’t done anything yet, and the deposit can be channeled to other parts .. We are still taking the whole catering from them, which is the bulk of the spending anyway. Yeish.

Thank God the new decorator is so understanding. Mum and I both feel good about her, but I guess we’ll only know for sure on the day.

So…….. Lots n lotsa things to think about…. Last thing I need to think about is why my internal voice has a midwestern twang.

I blame Taylor Swift.

A rare early sunday morning. It’s mid-morning and I managed to golek golek in bed puas hati, do some laundry and send out a confirmation for card invites pricing. But still there’s lots more to do.

I think my brain just overheated by Friday and I just practically slept Saturday away. It was downtime well spent, though. I feel almost as good as new now.

I can’t really talk about my thought for work here so the only thing left is the wedding stuff. In a way, I’m happy that my mum shares the same feeling with me for the current decorator, so I don’t feel like such a spoiled brat throwing tantrums. But the challenge is now shopping for a new one at such short notice. And the ones that I want are probably too expensive (story of my life huh) or not replying my messages.

I’ve thrown away any pinterest-like aspirations. Ironically can think more clearly if I don’t have to keep up with the joneses there. I just something that I can be proud of and preferably not have to pay through the nose for it.

One the plus side, there’s much choices for wedding vendors in KL now compared to 3-5 years ago. Seems that there’s a quiet explosion of general creative entrepreneurship here, which includes the local wedding industry.

Previously I’ve probably mentioned that a frontrunner favourite for wedding dresses is Innaired. But I already locked down all my bajus with our usul tailors and my mum (and some friends) would kill me if I spent that much one just one piece of clothing. Oh sigh.

One of the favourites that I’m looking a right now is Mimpimurni and A+E. I feel so kenyang looking at their work, and that’s usually a good sign!

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Impressions

“You ada…. Keluarga yang military ke? (do you have family who is in military?)” our futsal coach asked me.

I was stunned and amused at the same time. I get that I sometimes may portray a sense of…stuffiness, I suppose. But I never thought that someone may glean a sense that I am that disciplined.

“Er, takde….kenapa eh? (Uhm, no…why do you ask?)”

“Oh sebab nampak macam determined (you seem to have a look of determination).”

People always mistake my facial expressions, it seems. Once my boss thought that I was angry in a meeting. I was merely trying to focus on the main conversation, because there were a few mini discussions which made it harder for me to follow. I suppose I was probably frowning a bit. I told her that but she didn’t believe me.

“Oh, hahaha.” I laughed feebly over some r&b/trip hop/whatever I can’t tell anymore music someone stuck into the gym playlist.

I get it. Sure I can be determined at times. When I want something to be done so much that I know I have to rein in the intensity for the sake of the people around me and for myself. But really, I’m not like that all the time! And this time, I was actually feeling like I’m not determined enough to do stuff with my life and am kicking myself in the inside. So I suppose he saw the part where I’m kicking myself, rather than the part where I’m just cruising along with the flow.

And I suppose that it helped that it just so happened I was pushing to finish 20 mins on the treadmill rather than the prescribed 15. And that was only because I am FINALLY able to break sweat in the past five, oh my God that felt so good!

“Ah, saya dulu…. Prefect lah. (I was a prefect.)”

“Ohh.”

If this were a (cheap) psychotherapy session

I stood up my sister for a Skype chat two days in a row, I haven’t been breaking sweat for the past couple gym sessions, I got a parking summons ticket this morning, I feel bloaty.

There. Apa lagi, takkan nak stop whining kat situ je.

I don’t know where my career is going, and I don’t know where my drive went. And it’s not just about my day job career, but also applies the gajillion interests and hobbies that I used to have. It’s so weird, what seems to be an unending fire-in-belly I-want-everything-everything-EVERYTHING compulsion just dissipated. But I know it wasn’t exactly overnight. It’s more like, not realising that your partner has left you quietly a few months ago.

The only thing that hasn’t been changing much is my love for cats. But that’s not really helpful unless I want a headstart in being a fulltime Cat Lady Who Ends Up Being Eaten By Her Cats When She Dies. Alone. Also, I suppose even that has a finite point because I haven’t come to terms with the whole I have to clean their shit every once in a while situation.

OK that was too much whining in the span of a few paragraphs, so I just have to take a breath and count a few blessings, like thank God my parents are relatively healthy, I have a steady paying job, and in reality my partner and I are back on track and the big day is still happening. So I know, I know it’s not really that bad.

So maybe most of all of this is really mostly first world pain. I don’t really want to allow myself to wallow in it too much, so it’s more of a self flagellation session to kick myself on the tuckus in order for me to feel something that will make me…. solve this problem?

Lately there’s an online article which seems quite popular on my facebook newsfeed, about why Generation Y is unhappy. What seems to be prevalent is a sense of unsubstantiated self-confidence, self-entitlement and high expectations which brings a Gen-Y-er almost certainly into the sad realisation that there’s a high probability that they won’t get what they had expected.

How does this link back to how I feel? I hate to admit it, but I suppose I am part of this so called Generation Y. Urgh. I might write another post on the reasons why I loathe to admit that but let’s not side track for now. I’m thinking that Gen-Y or not, I do admit that all of this might just be my own personality and being this age in this particular time might be purely coincidental.

I wanted too many things/dreams, to the extent that I don’t just want them. I NEEDED them. And I’m not referring to just physical objects because those things are actually easier to come by or work for. I’m referring more to the kind of person that I want to be in terms of my vocation, my skills, and how I spend my time. The weird thing is that I’m starting to notice that these things are starting to change more and more. And while these changing “needs” were distracting me, I lost sight of a few core dreams that I used to have.

I’ve always wanted to have a career that makes me more fulfilled. Flexible time. I want to be a reliable person, an awesome planner and all-round good judge of character. I want to be a good person, dammit. And when I die, I want a small little hole in society that is a mark of the things that I’ve done. Nothing fancy, just something which reflects that I did not totally waste the space that I had occupied, the resources that I had taken up and the oxygen that I had breathed.

So going back to my whines in the first few paragraphs, I think what I’m trying to say is that I am just disappointed in myself. I don’t like to feel off the mark, I don’t like disappointing people and I don’t like knowing that I’m flaky. I think I took few small wrong turning somewhere, and I wish I am back on track.

*inhale*

It’s so much easier to just stare off into space. Or just chase the avalanche that is multiple social media newsfeeds. I can pretend to myself that I am keeping busy, or doing something productive. But all I am doing is sticking my head and neck down a hole like that proverbial ostrich.

3 months to date. The final stretch.