Thoughts in an Elevator

Tuesday.

Three things which makes me feel that maybe having demam denggi or anything else which requires me not to have to deal with my normal life for about a week or so (without said reason leaving any real adverse long term effect), as follows :

1. Work, i.e. (censored censored censored)
2. Body which feels like it’s slowly disintegrating in protest of #1
3. My shirt which is a bit too tight today

On the other hand, easily three things which trump the above :

1. Health, as in generally no major disease (other than stubborn long standing acne) and complete limbs and body parts
2. People that I love and trust
3. Not living in the dangerous and difficult part of Africa

This

If there is a problem, them write about it.

Thinking about doing my taxes make me feel like puking.

Wow, I feel so much better now. Let’s try another one.

I haven’t had Sunday Night Melancholia for quite a while, but here I am, Sunday Night Melancholic.

What else?

I know I can – and should – handle my finances better.

On the plus side, I am finally in the mood to plan for the big Day-in-December.

Oh wait, great, Damien Rice just came on in my rainy day playlist.

Where was I? Oh yes, if there is a problem then write about it.

Lately I’ve been thinking about stories, some inspired about stuff that happened in my life and some not. But now I can’t think of any.

I am still afraid that much much later in my life I would look back and think……. I shouldve. I couldve….. But I didn’t, and wouldn’t.

It’s past midnight on a sunday night. And the thought of doing my taxes makes me feel like puking.

Ko ingat aku ada brainjuice nak pikir pasal title title ni?

Lately I notice a curious trend in my productivity cycle. One day I’m running around like a headless chicken, wishing for more time in a day, sorting and settling things out as they come. And if that happens, then immediately the next day I turn into the most brain-dumb bimbo pemalas tak hengat dunia.

Sure there’s a logic in there somewhere, but it’s just so annoying. I mean, I get it, this gear 1-gear 5 type of working personality ya know? But can’t it be a phase of a few months, or even a few weeks? A daily change of gear 1 and gear 5 is just too much!

Sometimes my heart beats so fast when I worry about stuff, about the future that I stop myself, take a breather, and then worry about worrying.

Oh c’mon now!  This can’t be normal eh? This worrying all the time! I should try to more actively take a breather and pace myself out. I think I always want everything too much that it all becomes a bottleneck situation where the brain neurons fall all over themselves pressing the emergency brakes, and going and stopping and sometimes just stopping for good, like Jalan Tun Razak-Jalan Ampang-Jalan Tun Ismail on a working day rainy Friday evening in puasa month.

Something’s gotta give. But I’m not so sure what. I’m guessing liberal doses of self-forgiveness and awareness might do the trick. We’ll just see how it goes.

The Hardest Word

In the second episode of the 3rd season of The West Wing, the story built towards the senior staff members’ slow simmering resentment that they did not realise they had towards the POTUS because they weren’t given much earlier notice about the President’s multiple sclerosis situation. I thought that the point was nicely built up over a few episodes and was given smokescreen by a few incidents which did not seem correlated at all (at least to me). There were quite a few interesting points to note about the opening episodes of the 3rd season, but a particular one struck a chord.

Towards the tail end of the episode, the President addressed the situation briefly but sincerely to the senior staff members regarding the chaos that they were in. At the end, he apologised. He didn’t need to go on and on about what was his mistake, but just a simple “I am sorry”.

He/the writers@Aaron Sorkin made it seem so easy and logical. Yes, it is possible for a person in power  to say they are sorry. And here is one arguably as having one of the most on planet Earth…. Or the much-touted ‘Free World’, whatever that is supposed to mean. Yes, it is fine to feel certain negative feelings. Emotions are expected, as well as your undying professionalism to keep them at bay. But yes, it is still fine to acknowledge that this will happen, and the leadership or management should do their best to manage this.

He left the senior staff briefing to walk towards the podium to meet the huge crowd waiting for his address with the air of a powerful man confident in his skin. And the  quiet but resolute commitment and trust of his senior staff members.

It made me think about a closer reality.

Why is it so actually hard for people in higher positions to say that they are sorry? Aren’t they just human beings, susceptible to slip-ups just like the rest of us? Granted, the extent of leeway given for the types of mistakes allowed differs. But that is not the point. The point is that : if there is a mistake, what is so wrong about apologising when it is appropriate?

And then we can all move on.

But sure, you may argue that “don’t be naive lah. Of course they won’t apologise, because they will look weak!”

I think it looks weaker if you pretend that there was never any mistake, even when it is so clear that that is. I think it looks weak if you let your subordinates be your private punching bag, just so you don’t have to own up. I think it looks weak and insecure.

The act of apologising when done by itself without any rambling explanation is actually quite powerful. It shows that you are in control of yourself and of the situation. Apologising is an action of strength and intelligence.

Ah, if only truth mimics fiction just a little bit more. But for now, let me just come down to reality get back to worrying only the things that I can control.

Low/High Base

The best part about being down is that there no other direction to go than up. I suppose that does sound pretty optimistic and even maybe a little biased. But I digress, because let’s not judge the sun for shining and the birds for chirping once in a while.

I have to admit, being pessimistic is the easier stance. It’s a tiring stance alright, but it’s easier in terms of risk management of  the probability that you’d have to eat your own words. It is so much nicer to be a contrarian who is able to say, “I told you so!” and there’s a certain satisfaction that comes from having your fear mongering realised. I’m reminded of the word ‘schadenfreude’, but I’m pretty sure that that would not be the appropriate word that would encapsulate this particular feeling. Bah, I’m sure the Germans would have come up with a better word for it, I’ll just have to make friends with one to know it. Or open a thesaurus/dictionary at some point.

So what’s my point? Nothing really. I just wanted to make the point of recording this particular feeling, a kind of minor equilibrium caused by a change of outlook towards life. And on a separate note, I miss words and the discipline of a sentence structure in honing my feelings, and not just letting it pass by without even a second glance.

So this is my second glance.

p/s : I’m writing this after watching 3 (or was it 4?) episodes of season 2 of the west wing, back to back. I’m pretty sure it has affected my cadence, word choices, style etc. but I can’t really tell now.

p/p/s : I’m also writing all of this with the opening theme of the same series in mind. Sure makes for an epic writing experience and a highly inflated view of this particular post. But I suppose time will tell. Or a clearer mind once I wake up tomorrow morning.

The Right Start

“You really should write again.”

It was a reply which I had not counted on. But just as sudden as the sentence came, I felt that it was the right answer. I wasn’t so sure how he knows I’ve stopped writing, or whether he has made the point to read this small little nano-slice of the internet and considers this….. as writing.

“I’m not sure whether I have anything to write anymore. What is there to write about? What is it that is do interesting that I have to write about?”

I really meant it. I really can’t figure out when it stopped being ‘important’. That the sentences that flashes through my brain became weaker and weaker dwindling down to a meek little dot, apologising its way out.

He shrugs, but not without leaving me with a Look. ‘You Know What’s Important Figure It Out”.

Black Beauty

In the mood to compile stuff I like, even thought it might be a tad morbid. But it’s a beautiful sorta morbid eh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

T.S.Eliot’s

A Song for Simeon:

Lord, the Roman hyacinths are blooming in bowls and
The winter sun creeps by the snow hills;
The stubborn season has made stand.
My life is light, waiting for the death wind,
Like a feather on the back of my hand.
Dust in sunlight and memory in corners
Wait for the wind that chills towards the dead land.

:(

Life is so much better without feelings. Or at the very least, hormones.

Why is it that the more I don’t want to be hurt, the more hurt I feel by the smallest things? And then I wonder, whether it is small or not. Maybe it’s better not to know. Maybe it’s better not to care. Maybe it’s better to be asexual, there are people who are, apparently!

Apparently.

But, apparently, I am not one of them. I need a partner, a close friend, not just a label. Not just an impending date in the distance (even worse, in the foreseeable future) . I need a rock.

Screw all of this, I don’t know what’s real anymore. How do the rest of you do this???

 

Run

There will always be enough places to run to when you need it. Some are far, and some are near. Some does not even require you to move a single inch away from the space that you are currently occupying. You’ll use up the same amount of oxygen- just about give and take.

All you need to do? Just not be there.

Don’t even bother to close your eyes, because you already can’t see what’s in front of you. And let’s not waste any of your other resources, why should we? There’s no need to utilise your ears, your skin, your nose, your taste. Just don’t use any of them.

All you need to use is your imagination. Your willpower. Your thoughts, let them fly to distant lands. Might as well, it’s cheaper.

Let’s all do what is easy, after all, it does seem more cost and resource-efficient.

And maybe one day, we have all automated the processes and as humans do, made it all one hundred percent “efficient” so that you will never need to use such quaint assets again.